Moving right along...

OOOOk...so this Mom stuff is soo much harder and trickier than anyone ever truthfully tells you but you know what...I don't blame them. I used to get mad at people that didn't tell me "how hard this really was" but really why should they? Second of all, no one can ever properly prepare you for what this life changing experience will do to you!! I can't begin to write down all the things I've learned. It's really all trial and error, patience, strength, love, more patience and adjustment. There are days, not gonna lie here, that are so hard all I can do is cry. I imagine this to be quite normal for a first time parent but these are the things I never heard other Mom's say while I was pregnant asking questions. From the moment they are in your arms, to breast feeding, to bringing them home, to your first day ALONE with them, to changing a onesie, bathing them for the first time, burping them, figuring out what your body is doing and getting re-used to the way things kinda were but will never be again...it's needless to say A LOT! I guess my blog (when I even have time to write on it) will be changing as of this point. I want to be completely honest about all of my feelings because believe it or not, they aren't always HAPPY and JOY and BLISS and MIRACLE-like...some days are so hard you wonder if you will make it to the next hour without screaming. Let's not even add to all of this postpartum depression. I am not sure if I had it or even still have it...There were and are some days were I am so incredibly emotional and full of anxiety and scared of how I feel and how I will handle everything coming my way at such a fast pace. It's hard. HARD people, HARD. I know some women may read my words and understand and say YES, this girl gets it and some just won't. I don't know what planet some other women are on. I am not bad mouthing them in any way. Maybe I am just incredibly jealous of those  Mother's who from the start everything seemed soooo easy. They gave birth without an epidural, they didn't need an episiotomy, their recovery time was a breeze, their babies latched on right away and there was no pain involved, just a magical bond between Mother and baby and not to mention OVER-SUPPLY of milk these women seem to have?? I have no idea on what PLANET this all occurs on cause all I have mentioned in my list of dreams, was the exact OPPOSITE for me. Don't get me started on how they seem to juggle cooking, cleaning, crafting, exercising and look amazing when they step out of their home to go to Target!

I wish it hadn't taken me until NOW to KIND OF get it together. It's only now that I beginning to be a little bit ahead of the game with her. It's only now that I am feeling a little bit of peace and comfort with her around and somewhat like a NORMAL person. PLEASE don't read this blog entry and take it all as a complaint on my part. I mean, I guess it is a little but I am simply choosing to magnify and write out the feelings and experiences I've had over the past 2 months as a journaling and healing technique. I have read so many others words and blogs and heard stories that have hit home with me and have helped me to feel a little saner...I would hope that maybe MY words help some other new Mom out there that has absolutely no idea what's going on and who feel like an ALIEN no one understands. That is the point of this whole thing any way. I wanted to document my experiences, learn, grow, share and HELP. There is no point in any of this if it's not to help others and hopefully make some connections...
I am motivated about the fact that I can get on here and just speak the truth with no worries of judgment (mostly because I won't know if you are ;)

anyway...hope all is well out there on a Monday afternoon...it has taken me from 11am - 2:40pm to write this because of all the starting and stopping because um, well...I have a baby ;)

Before I depart I will say that no matter how tired I get, how frustrated I become, how many tears I shed, there is NOTHING I wouldn't do a thousand times over again for this little precious baby girl. THIS, I know for a fact. To see her smile and look into my eyes and rock her to sleep is the sweetest miracle of life. I love her with all of my heart and soul and wouldn't trade a moment of this experience so far. Geez, God sure does know what he's doing...